Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

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Hello, Nelson! My name is Raphael P., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!

*Writing Strength:
You do well in organizing the different points of the discussion under clearly defined subject headings. This makes it easier for the readers to follow the discussion. Good job!

Main Idea/Thesis
You could specify some points in the thesis statement. Here is what you present in the essay:
Despite the ethical challenges faced by drone technology, drones are increasingly influencing         our lives and have far reaching impacts on humanity.

You mention that drones are increasingly influencing our lives. However, you do not specify how drones have influenced our lives. Because you do not specify this, the readers might not have a clear overview of the main discussion.

Since you mention that drones are increasingly influencing our lives, how are drones influencing our lives? What are some examples of the notable impacts that drones have had on humanity? Specifying these details in the thesis statement makes it easier for the readers to understand the main focus of the discussion.

*Nelson 9370378 has requested that you respond to the Content Development: 
Some details in the discussion could be explained further. Here is what you write in the essay:

Covert drones have led to the destruction of homes, displacement of populations and         retaliatory violence by local groups.

You mention that covert drones have led to destruction of homes and displacement of populations, but you do not present statistics that show the number of displaced populations. Because of this, the readers will not clearly see the negative effects of the drone war.

Since you mention that covert drones have destroyed homes, what is the estimated number of homes that have been destroyed by drones? What is the estimated number of families displaced by drone attacks? What is the estimated number of innocent civilians that have been killed by drone operations? What are examples of sources that show this? Providing these details makes it easier for the readers to understand the negative effects of covert drone operations.

*Nelson 9370378 has requested that you respond to the Use of Resources: 
You do not cite all your resources in the references page. Here is what you present in the essay:

Drones are also installed with operating windows and sensors which make them easy to     control (Benjamin, 2014).

You cite Benjamin (2014) in a parenthetical citation. However, you do not cite the complete information regarding this source in the references page. Because you do not cite the complete details, the readers might not clearly understand where you borrowed the material you present.

Since you follow APA guidelines, the general format for APA citation is presented below:

Author. (Date). Title. Publication data.

Here is an example:

Winston, A. (2014). Bananas of Life. New York: Penguin Press

Presenting the complete information of your cited sources in a separate references page makes it easier for the readers to understand where you borrowed your sources.

Summary of Next Steps:

• In the thesis statement, specify how drones have influenced our lives.
• Present statistics that clearly show the negative effects of covert drone operations.
• Use the appropriate APA format in citing sources in your references page.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Nelson. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! -Raphael P.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer HYPERLINK “http://services.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfm”‘ HYPERLINK “http://services.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfm”s Handbook.

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
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DRONE TECHNOLOGY PROJECT